It’s been a while and I apologize for the lack of updates. My intention was to post this earlier, but I only finished it recently and you’ll understand why.
It hasn’t rained since March or April. It’s been so long that I can’t remember. Every day is the same – cool mornings and evenings and hot sunny afternoons. I was in my room in the cabin looking out the window when the sky was finally grey with clouds. I welcomed the prospect of rain. Suddenly, a circle of black clouds rolled in and at the very center, a hole appeared and something fell into the valley of trees. Then, Fire. Flames shot up the trees and the fire was spreading fast, heading towards the cabin. I ran outside, noticed the others were unaware, banged on their windows and shouted, “FIRE!” I started running towards the car but my chance of survival was slim.
Then, I heard the beeps of my alarm and woke up catching my breath. The first alarm woke me up 5 minutes earlier so this dream took place in the matter of minutes in my mess of a mind. It was telling me what I already knew. I’m burnt out. All of me.
Our schedule is purposely designed to push us. The physical training hadn’t changed much but it got harder for me. The days got hotter. I hadn’t had quality sleep for months. This made it harder to meditate, which is what I needed the most to calm down my excessively Yang body. I start taking naps between lunch and sequences but they only made me more groggy. My lunch was less digested due to the nap, which made training more difficult. I started drinking a cup of coffee right before sequences to give me the boost I needed. It worked, but at a cost. I knew I was in a vicious cycle but I didn’t know how to get out of it unless I took a break from training. That wasn’t going to happen.
Long term physical exhaustion naturally leads to overall exhaustion. I’m positive that all my health systems (nervous, detox, digestive, endocrine, etc..) were out of sync. I’ve been having trouble remembering things – movements, applications, corrections, Chinese, things to do etc… I had less control over my emotions, becoming easily irritated and having a harder time letting go of negative emotions.
My body was giving me warning signs, but I ignored them until after somehow getting through our tests. I peaked in May and by the end of June, I was just trying to show something that resembled my skill. It was far from good, but at least we’re watched throughout the semester so they already have an idea of our progress or lack there of.
Now while on break, I can finally tend to my body’s needs. I still feel lethargic at times, my digestion is not quite normal, and I heat up very easily with minimal movement. I’m talking to various people in the health fields for advice and I will document what I learn.
When people ask me how I’ve been, the first feeling that comes to mind is what I described above as I’m still coping with it. Yet, I feel incredibly grateful to be in my position. Am I mental? Maybe.
To Be Continued…