I have recently come to the realization that I find myself stressed or frustrated a lot of the time. Upon figuring this out, I have begun to wonder how to relieve myself of these feelings and have also begun to wonder why they have come to me. I guess one way to reduce them is to write in this blog. Maybe I will be able to figure myself out with the help of outside readers. A few reasons I figure for my stress and frustration come from what I feel are missing at the Center at this stage in time while other reasons come from myself.
The first is a sense of responsibility, or a sense of obligation. Maybe in martial morality terms, righteousness? “Righteousness is a way of life. Righteousness means that if there is something you should do, you don’t hesitate to take care of it, and if there is something that you should not do, you don’t get involved with it.”
I feel many times when something has to be done, no one is there to step up to do it. The trash bin is full. The floor is dirty. Something spilled in the refrigerator. There are dishes in the sink that need to be washed, and so on. Well, change it, clean it, wipe it, wash them. Is it that hard?
I understand that these problems always come up when you live with somebody else. Maybe my expectations are higher? I don’t know. I just wonder how I can convince someone that the right thing to do after they eat something is to wash their dishes and put them onto the dish rack, instead of leaving them in the sink for others to take care of. I also wonder if I can persuade a person into feeling that they should restock the toilet paper after they used the last sheet, instead of leaving an empty roll in the bathroom for the next person. I mean, thanks for the cardboard cylinder. I’ll be sure to use it well.
This problem isn’t just within the living aspect of our lives though. It also exists within our training and within our work. Within training: If you use a staff, please put it back. If everyone else is laying out or putting away the mats, please help. If everyone else is training hard and trying to catch up with the schedule, shouldn’t you be too? Within work: If there is a deadline to meet, shouldn’t you work to try to meet it? If the project leader requires something from you, shouldn’t you try to get it to them? I mean, I’m sure these problems exist in the outside world as well, so how do people deal with this? It seems difficult for me and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because we live in a small, isolated society, consisting of only seven people? I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to talk to people. When a comment is made to try to better the project, people can take it personally and feel like they have been attacked. How do I deal with this?
Anyways, I guess that with this lack of righteousness, if you want to call it that, has put me into a state of discontent with some of the people here. Sometimes I feel that I cannot trust them, and many times I feel like I am slowly losing respect for them.
What would this Center be without trust and respect? I feel like these two words are extremely important in society, and especially important in a smaller group, such as ours. If I feel like I cannot rely on somebody, have I lost trust in them? Can I ever trust them again? I mean, I can trust that they won’t do as they say. But that’s different, right?
I do not know what the respect level is here, but I feel like it is decreasing slowly between some people, Dr. Yang included. Some people are constantly taking breaks from training, are constantly making excuses for why they cannot do something, or are constantly letting others take the fall for their mistakes. Many of these things I feel are inexcusable, especially because we have rules written out to follow. However, it seems like some people think they are above others and are allowed to disregard these rules.
So again, this ties into trust. Can I trust these people? No, not really. I’m tired of hearing excuses. I’m tired of people lying to my face. Maybe it’s not the best decision, especially in our small group, but I have decided to cut communication with these people, unless it is required and work related. I no longer want to talk to them. I no longer want to listen to them. I no longer want to train with them. If they do not contribute positively to this society (the Center), then I want nothing to do with them. I have lost trust and have lost respect for them. I feel that this is unfortunate. Maybe they will be able to change though, hopefully before it is too late.
Another contribution to my stress/frustration is the amount of work that has been placed upon my shoulders. Many times when something comes up, the first thing I hear is, “Jonathan, can you do this? Jonathan, can you do that?” I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing to be assigned things to do. They are good experiences and I am able to learn a lot. However, it is when jobs pile up and begin to build upon each other, that I begin to feel a little stressed. Maybe I should ask people to help me. The only problem is that a lot of the times it is something that requires certain experiences that others may not have. I guess that’s why I recently began to realize that volunteering for jobs might not be the best thing to do. The more I take, the more that pile on, and the more stressed I become. So, I learned to shut up. I learned to not raise my hand. I learned to let others volunteer and try things out. I learned that if someone sees that you are capable of accomplishing something, they will continue to ask you to do similar tasks. I think I learned this the hard way. Projects keep coming my way. I guess I just have to be patient and endure. I have to keep doing these tasks because I don’t feel it’s right to refuse something that has been assigned to me. I’m sure that a lot of people share a similar experience to this. I wonder if anyone is able to give me some advice from their own life experiences.
Finally, one of the biggest things that has been bothering me is the frustration I have towards myself. I seem to feel this way a lot, especially during training. It comes mostly when I feel I am not performing to the best of my ability or when I am trying my hardest to do something but am still unable to do so. Am I aiming too high? Should I not set such high standards for myself? Anyone who has trained or has worked towards something should know this feeling. What do I do? Be patient I guess. It will all come eventually, right?
Anyways, just some late night blabber. Testing tomorrow. I hope all goes well :)